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solidfoamsoulI think I need to not put so much of my self value in shit that really does not matter. Happy fun times they should be not OMG Y U NO LOVE ME?/STAB ME IN THE BACK IN FRONT OF MY FACE?
Call me crazy if you want, because I am starting to think I am. My self confidence has been seriously affected by things that, in the grand scheme, do not matter. Things that start out fun end up in disappointment, and I start thinking: "Why me? Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Can't you just man up and tell me how to fix it?"
Not that I ask. Not that I can ask because, then I would just look like an insecure lunatic that needs approval to survive. Unfortunately that is pretty much me. Secret's out. So then I start thinking: Why do I do this to myself? I really need to stop. Don't put yourself out there, because no body will care. Don't make friends with that person because they will hurt you just like the last. Can't you see, it's the same formula: you're depending on them for so much and when they stop talking to you it's going to be even worse than the first time because you damn well should have seen it coming.
Sometimes I think I should do away with it entirely, but I can't because when it's good, I love it, and it is fun. Not to mention I know how others will feel and I feel responsible. Or at least how I hope they would feel: that I was as important to them as they were to me. I know it can't go on forever, but hopefully I'll have other things to distract me from that. Right now I have nothing.
I could go on. But I'm even boring myself.
Call me crazy if you want, because I am starting to think I am. My self confidence has been seriously affected by things that, in the grand scheme, do not matter. Things that start out fun end up in disappointment, and I start thinking: "Why me? Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Can't you just man up and tell me how to fix it?"
Not that I ask. Not that I can ask because, then I would just look like an insecure lunatic that needs approval to survive. Unfortunately that is pretty much me. Secret's out. So then I start thinking: Why do I do this to myself? I really need to stop. Don't put yourself out there, because no body will care. Don't make friends with that person because they will hurt you just like the last. Can't you see, it's the same formula: you're depending on them for so much and when they stop talking to you it's going to be even worse than the first time because you damn well should have seen it coming.
Sometimes I think I should do away with it entirely, but I can't because when it's good, I love it, and it is fun. Not to mention I know how others will feel and I feel responsible. Or at least how I hope they would feel: that I was as important to them as they were to me. I know it can't go on forever, but hopefully I'll have other things to distract me from that. Right now I have nothing.
I could go on. But I'm even boring myself.
